My struggle in a nutshell.

I was born and raised in a christian home, but that means nothing. See as you grow you become your own person, and its your choices that make you the person you are. This was my struggle, was making choices. As a younger kid I was mean I was a bully, but I was popular and I had a lot of "friends."  Well one day my perfect little world came crashing around me. All those "friends" disappeared, I had no one, this was the start of my depression. I mean sure I had my parents and family but they didn't know. See im the kind of person who acts like everything is fine on the outside, but on the inside all my anger and sadness just keeps pilling up. I continued this for awhile, eventually how I felt on the inside started to show at home. I was always grounded because I was so disobedient. A kid should never feel the way I did, especially at a young age. In fourth graded I started planing how I could kill myself. I felt so alone and my parents could not understand why I was acting the way I did. Then one day I blurted out to my parents that I was going to commit suicide. Its not like anyone would care, right? This broke my parents heart, just thinking about what they went through with me brakes mine. So after that confession they decided I needed help and we needed t figure out what was wrong with me. They decided it was my sleeping habits that was causing me to be the way I was. So they put me on sleeping pills to help me sleep better.

My dad would not let me keep my pills in my room, he kept them and gave me them when I needed to take them. To this day I think my dad still gets a little nerves with me keeping my own medicine. Every one wanted me to be better so I did what everyone wanted I got better. For a while it was real, I did get better, but then I started to that thing I do so well, happy on the outside. I still got grounded a lot but it wasn't as bad. Then I got involved in my church when I hit seventh grade. I got better, I was going to church and listening, I started feeling comfort, like I wan't alone. I got so used to fooling people that I was such a happy person, that I started falling for my own lie. But when in reality I was still so messed up on the inside. I was going to church, I was listening, I believed. But I was not letting God actually come into my life and comfort me, take care of me. 

My lie finally caught up to me. I was having a rough time. I was getting good at defying my parents. I started having suicidal thoughts again. One day I snapped, I feel so bad, yet so thankful for my mom who was there when this happened. She went through me screaming that I hated her and I kept saying "God why." When I wanted my mom to just hold me she did. She just hugged me after everything I have put her through she still loved me. If your reading this your probably thinking well of course she still loves you, your her kid. But just everything I put her through, and im not talking about just this one time, she still had just as much love, if not more, for me. I guess it just really amazed me. 

So this time I went and got checked out they decided I have anxiety and depression. Not something I tell people, only my family and two friends know this about me. So its a little weird letting anybody who wants to know, know. My doctor put me on medicine to help me. After the first week of taking it everyone saw a difference. This was great I was happier but I was still empty missing something. I realized then how much I needed God. I finally started to trust God, I gave him complete control of  my life. At that moment I was completely free of all that pressure that was holding me down. I felt comfort, I realized how much people cared for me. My eyes were opened to a completely new world. I love going to church now, because now im learning, im listening. im believing. But most important im letting God in. 

Ever since this realization I have had my ups and downs. I have still done some pretty stupid things. But God knows exactly were he want me, so sometimes I don't even know how but I always end up back on the path God has for me. Sure I sometimes take a long and non-needed detour, but God is so amazing and so forgiving that its like I never even took that detour. 

 

One more thing, because I know my dad will see this. I just want to thank my parents for being such strong christian examples and for always being there for me. <3